


To Be With You

by ladykardasi



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Pre-Slash, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-20
Updated: 2017-05-20
Packaged: 2018-11-02 22:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,559
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10954056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladykardasi/pseuds/ladykardasi
Summary: Kirk finally makes the first move on his First Officer.





	To Be With You

I think I wanted him from the very first moment I saw him. I never really allowed myself to acknowledge it though. Not until last night. It was like an electric jolt went through my entire body when I saw him smile. I've never seen him like that before. He smiled because he thought I was dead, then found me alive. 

What does that say about his emotions? 

I know he claims he has no pride, no ego to bruise and no emotions to spare. I think I'm not the only one who discovered that it's as far from the truth it could possibly be. Spock has emotions that run far deeper than most humans do. I believe that is why he and the rest of Vulcan have to fight so hard to control and suppress them. 

I always knew I loved him, but I've subconsciously been talking myself into believing that it is a brotherly love. I know I was wrong now. That smile went straight to my heart. The joy in his eyes made the feelings spring to life like nothing else could have. I can't keep denying it to myself anymore. I'd do anything for him. I'd do everything for Spock. He is my other half. 

I've just decided that I can't wait to express these feelings to him now that I'm aware of them. How will he react? 

~¤>)§@§(<¤~

I've never been so happy in my life. Yes, happy. That is the correct word for it. I was overwhelmed by it, and the smile that broke through was the unabashed happiness showing from both the Vulcan and the Human parts of me. It felt good to smile like that and I couldn't have stopped it if my life depended on it. 

Jim is alive, and that is all that matters. Jim is alive and my secret is still safe within me. I do not believe that even Dr. McCoy suspects the truth. But it was difficult. It was an ordeal I would not wish to subject myself to again. Hiding those feelings from him when I was going through the pon farr... 

It was, as Jim would have said, 'pure hell'. 

I do not know if I can endure meeting him this evening. He insisted on a chess game but I doubt I will manage to concentrate. However, I do not think I could endure *not* seeing him either. I have to be with him and ensure myself that he is alive, breathing and that nothing threatens his life anymore. I can still not reconcile with the fact that I almost killed him. I did not know such brutality existed within me. To think that it was directed at him when all I truly would have wanted to do was... 

There he is.

"Enter."

~¤>)§@§(<¤~

He must have been meditating, because he's still dressed in the black robe that he usually wears when he needs to meditate. It's such a familiar sight and it tugs at my heart. It's wonderful to see him here, back with us on the Enterprise. I look at him differently now. I see the wiry body in a whole different light. I've always admired his build and his strength, but watching him, thinking of him as a potential lover is different. It is frightening and I close my eyes to compose myself. 

I feel as if I've never seen him before in my life, and he has been as familiar to me as my own mind and body for years. But this... God, he is so beautiful. The black hair is neatly combed, shining like the fur of a panther in the lowered lights. The lights are set to accommodate his more sensitive Vulcan eyesight. He moves, supple like a leopard and just as dangerous, from his comfortable position on the floor. He rises to his full length. Dressed in black like that he is dangerously handsome. How come I have never seen that before? 

The tall, powerful body is imposing. I shiver, and I hope he doesn't notice. It's too soon to reveal the truth just yet. I have to warm up to it, both for his sake and my own. It's difficult. All I really want to do seduce him, right now. Where are those famous Captain Kirk skills now that I really need them, I wonder. 

"Captain?" he says questioningly as I stand at the door, unable to move, simply taking in the sight of him. I straighten guiltily. 

"Jim, Spock, *Jim*. We're off duty, remember?"

"Very well... Jim," he says and gives an almost imperceptible nod. "Is there something wrong?" 

"Oh no, It took a while to get accustomed to the low light, that's all," I lie. 

"Forgive me," he says apologetically. "Computer. Lights to 75 percent."

I blink against the brightness and I smile toward him. This time I can feel it's a genuine smile and the small twitch in the corner of his mouth is enough to let me know he sees the humor in the situation as well. Joy is shining subtly from his dark eyes. It's quite obvious to me his happiness at knowing that I am alive hasn't really diminished yet. I hope it never does. 

~¤>)§@§(<¤~

There is something different, unfamiliar about him today. I can not discern exactly what it is. He appears insecure, hesitant in my presence. If I believed in any deity, I would pray that it has got nothing to do with the plak tow. Does he still blame me for almost killing him? I feel the smile inside fade, until apprehension is all that remains. I could not bear the thought of him despising me. I know that I will never... but there is no logic in dwelling on that. I will not think about this until it is again necessary. 

"Please, sit," I offer to him. For some reason, Jim wanted to play here, in my quarters, tonight. It is not the first time, and yet I can not help thinking there is some significance in the fact that he asked to do so today. I sit down in front of him, watching the chess game. 

"Spock," he says hesitantly. I wait. 

"Spock. Do you mind if we forego the game tonight and simply talk?"

I am surprised and I feel my eyebrow quirk up almost automatically. However, I hasten to add 

"It is of no consequence to me, Jim. What do you wish to discuss?" 

He does not answer immediately. Instead, he rises to his feet and I watch him cross the floor, stopping to touch a crystal I found on Cygnus V once. He is tense. The muscular body is ramrod straight and he does not seem aware that he is holding the crystal. I am patient. Once he is ready, he will tell me what is on his mind. I can not stop the sense of dread that curls in my stomach. I know he said he does not hold me responsible for what happened on Vulcan, and yet... His friendship is too precious to me to not worry. I expect it will fade in time, unless he is in fact, blaming me.

He is beautiful. I contemplate for a moment what he might say, if he knew the way I look upon him. How would those hazel eyes react if I told him, if he knew how I cherish the golden glow of his skin and how the muscles ripple under its smoothness? What would he say if he knew that his multicolored eyes hold my fascination like no science project ever could? Would his eyes widen in surprise and disgust? Would they turn dark as he withdrew from me? Or would they widen in surprise and desire? Would they turn bright with equal need? I am now at the age where I can appreciate such things. My first pon farr is behind me, and I know now that what I have felt for so long, the emptiness and the longing is. 

It is desire for him, to know him like no other man has before. 

~¤>)§@§(<¤~

"I don't know what to say, Spock," I hear myself mumble. I put down the shimmering object I'm holding and turn toward my best friend. His gaze is trained intently on me. He's waiting, patiently. His patience is always unending. 

"Spock... " I hear the wistfulness in my own voice and when I see his eyes changing I know that he understands what it is I want to say. I don't even have to speak the words aloud. 

"Jim," he replies and rises to his feet. I recognize my own want and need in his eyes, in his tense features. I reach out and touch him as he comes nearer. His face is so warm against my palm; burning like a flame, and I seek it like a moth. But the flames will not destroy me, they will devour me whole, and meld with me, making the moth and the flame into one being, one soul. 

He recognizes my need because it is within him as well. I never thought it would be, not the same way. He is Vulcan, he is so different from me, and yet, it seems to me that more of him is human than I expected. 

I recognize myself in him. 

~>§} THE END {§<~


End file.
